Randoms

"You're supposed to pick up the trash, not act like it."

As I was leaving for work yesterday, the garbage men came by to pick up the trash. One of them said, "Hey, pretty lady." Ugh. . .I cannot stand "compliments" from strange men. Not even my headphones could tune them out.

"Pretty lady?" I said. "I appreciate compliments, but not from men I don't know. That is too personal. The next time you see me, please refer to me as 'miss' or 'ma'am.' Have a good day."

I headed off, and the guy's partner said, "Hey, leave that girl alone!" Good! (And they actually left my trash can upright this time. . .thank you!)

From Thursday's workshop, Martha Langelan explained why women don't like these "compliments." She explained a scenario at a workplace: A woman has a boss that pays more attention to how she's dressed, her body, her physique as opposed to the job she's doing. He'll say "I love the way that blouse looks on you." He'll rub her shoulders while "complimenting" her and make her feel uncomfortable. Martha said that (and I agree with this) we want to feel valued for substantial things---intelligence, good work ethics, strong morals---not the superficial (how "attractive" we are or how we're dressed). Men tend to get more substantial compliments than women do. It's as if women are put on this earth to only be attractive for men. That we have no other purpose or goals in life. A substantial compliment ("Great presentation today!") holds a lot more value than one on surface appearance.

But how can this apply to the men on the streets? These men most of the time don't know how to be cordial to women. Hitting on women is their way of saying "good morning." Martha recalled a story where a drunken man would make sexual come-ons to her when she headed for presentations. She flat-out told him it made her uncomfortable, and his response was "I'm just trying to say 'good morning.'"

Without missing a beat, she told him that if he wanted to say 'good morning,' he can say 'good morning.' From that point on he, even though still being a drunk, respected her and told her 'good morning.'

Martha says something that has common sense: If you don't know someone, for the love of God don't do that "hey, pretty," "hey, beautiful," "hey, sexy" mess. Be pleasant and say "hello." It carries a lot more respect and weight than a superficial "hey, pretty."

"Fools' weather brings out foolish behavior"

The weather yesterday was unseasonably warm, and the fools were out on the street. Men were beeping their horns at me, and one driver "slowed his roll" and started yelling "hey, baby!" at me. I told him that yelling from his car was tacky and ignorant behavior, but unfortunately drive-by harassment is "hit and run" and there's never enough time for the message to get through. A man across the street witnessed it and looked shocked. Yes, you got a temporary glimpse of what it's like to walk home while female.

The same thing happened today. In my mundane outfit (sand-colored khakis, a yellow shrug and matching tee, tan shoes and small leather jacket), I got wolf-whistles, "hey, baby!" catcalls, horn-beeping, and cars slowing down. As I said earlier, there are better ways of saying "hello," and a better way of doing so is not out of a car window from across the street, but at a respectful distance face-to-face. I hope these men learn some manners by the time the warm weather returns on a more regular basis.

DBS Notes and Changes

• After last week's craziness, I'm turning the comments off for the time being (a la most HollaBack sites). Long story short, I let idiots and hecklers get to me and got carried away. People online get a sense of power out of being anonymous, and they abuse that power by leaving rude and counterproductive comments. (You can still send e-mails that are positive or constructive criticisms, but if it's rude and hateful it's getting trashed.)



• (Start rant) In the same vein as the previous note, there have been a lot of bloggers who are either ending their Blogs or removing posts. The instigators are making it a nuisance to blog! I did remove posts from here because too much attention was being drawn to them. One commenter got carried away and started posting links to here on her blog and was dismissive with her "who cares? Ignore it!" attitude. (I won't link to it like I did last time.) These blog commenters think that people who have blogs write them with that specific person in mind. For example, Jane reads my blog. It gets linked to DC Blogs. Said post gets open to scrutiny, I use my power of personal choice to have it removed. Instead of accepting this decision, Jane and others get upset, as if I took candy from a baby. What I don't understand is this: It's my damn blog. Whatever I want published gets published. Whatever doesn't doesn't. I have every right to change my mind and have something removed. So why the hell are people getting upset about that? If you live your life waiting for new posts on people's blogs, then you're not truly living life. If people want to remove their blogs or posts, let them. Respect their decisions, move on, and please find something better to do with yourselves. (End rant)



• I want to bring in team members for DBS, since I don't want all the burden put on me. If you're a DC resident (proper or Metro-area), deal with harassment or witness it in your community, and feel you have something to contribute to DBS, then send a brief e-mail message explaining why you want to be a DBS team member. I definitely want DBS to have a different voice and meaning to it. One point of view is not enough.



• I'm just getting over the flu and still have to do a write-up on Martha Langelan's workshop last Thursday. When I get the chance I will do so. It was a great workshop and I learned a lot of tactics to combat street harassment, bullying, and physical violence.

All that said, I hope to see changes in how DBS is for 2008. I want this to be a more informative, constructive and worthwhile blog.

Community Safety/Street Harassment Workshop Tonight at 6:30

Bumping this up so those who are interested can attend. There is an optional donation fee if you are interested in attending.

This message came from a community list serv:

Dear Neighbors:

We would like to invite you to join us for a community safety workshop led by Marty Langelan on Thursday January 31st at 6:30-9:30 pm in the basement meeting room of the Washington Community Scholars' Center at 836 Taylor Street NE.

We have room for about 5 more people in addition to the students in our program. Please email me by Tuesday if you would like to attend. The cost for Marty's workshops is normally $50 per person, but we are asking for a contribution of $25 (or less if you can't afford it) to help cover the cost.

Marty Langelan's workshops focus on positive actions that promote respect toward all members of a community and encourage cooperation between neighbors. Marty teaches how to respond to harassment in the street and the workplace, and how to prevent violence and escape a dangerous situation if you happen to encounter one. Her workshops are appropriate for women and men, including seniors and older children.

Marty is an engaging teacher, martial artist, and community activist. She has taught workshops in neighborhoods throughout DC. In May 2006, Mayor Anthony Williams recognized her lifelong work on violence and human rights with a proclamation declaring "Marty Langelan Day" in the District of Columbia.

Marty is an adjunct faculty member of American University, and she is past President of the DC Rape Crisis Center.

Doug Hertzler
Associate Director
Washington Community Scholars' Center
836 Taylor Street NE Washington, DC 20017
Phone: 202-529-5378
Fax: 202-529-0704

I really hope I can attend this event (I have a conflict on Thursdays). I own and have read Martha "Marty" Langelan's book, Back Off! How to Confront and Stop Sexual Harassment and Harassers. It is a good and informational book on how to counter street harassment. I remember sitting at a restaurant a few years ago waiting for my order and I had the book sitting on top of the table. I had to educate some man on what it was about. He kept referring to the book as "Black [sic] Off!" Okay. . . .

Anyway, if you're interested in attending this, please contact Doug at 202-529-5378. The address for the event once again is 836 Taylor Street NE, located in Brookland (Brookland/CUA on the Red Line).

Keep On. . .

This one's from J.J. in Seattle:

Hey there. I have been reading your blog for months now. I live in Seattle, and lucky for me, we don't have to deal with much shit around here. Every once in awhile, I get some dude screaming out of car window about my tits, or some guy on the bus wanting to "get to know" me... It's annoying enough, but it doesn't hit me every time I'm trying to go to work, or just trying to come home after a long day. Lucky for me and my friends, Seattle (or at least my neighborhoods) are pretty safe and as harassment-free as a city will ever be. But I feel compelled to tell you, I think it is SO IMPORTANT that you are doing what you're doing... recording your experiences, and refusing to be silent, refusing to just take it. I know so many women who have been through countless experiences like those that you describe (mostly in East Coast cities, not sure why that is...) but they feel that it's just part of being a woman on your own, that there's nothing to be done about it. I tell them about your blog, and tell them to talk back, to not be afraid, to own their power. Knowing that there are women like you out there fighting makes me so proud. Keep it up, girl, and never let them get you down. They can annoy you, but those little pieces of shit can never touch your strength, your power, or your beauty. Fight on!

Thanks for the kind words. I truly appreciate it.

I've been researching different cities, and the consensus is that street harassment happens less there than it does in places like DC. I started posting at a forum for the US cities, and left a message about street harassment for a specific city I'm thinking about. They reacted as if they didn't know it existed. Also, they said that since it's more of a car environment than public transportation one that there aren't too many men hanging out on street corners harassing women.

I wonder if DC were a car culture if it would happen less. The men would be in cars as opposed to hanging out on the streets. Women would be in cars and wouldn't have to walk past a battery of insults from these losers. But in the same token, as stated in J.J.'s note, there are losers that like to yell from cars.

I know that there is a place safer and more female-friendly than DC --- I just need to find it!

Post-Anti-Street Harassment Rally Harassment

Here's a submission from Alexandra:

Dear Golden Silence,

Thank you so much for creating this blog and creating a forum for people to vent their frustrations about this issue. My story is kind of ironic because my friend and I had just got back from an Anti-Street Harassment rally hosted by Empower DC. We were in Chinatown and three guys started yelling "Hey baby" and "Come here" at us from across the street. When my friend and I ignored them they started shouting the usual "Oh you think you're too good for me" and crossed right in the middle of the street and started following us. We yelled back at them to "leave us alone" and "would you talk to your mother or sister like that?" Luckily some guys intervened and stopped them but just to be safe we decided to walk a couple of blocks out of our way. I was so angry I had gone from feeling in empowered by the rally to being really pissed, scared and upset. Again thank you again for your blog.

It sucks to feel so empowered, feeling like you can put an end to street harassment, just for some punks to ruin that mood. I'm glad you two stood up for yourselves, and also glad that there are guys out there who realize that this is not the way for men to act and who stepped in.

I wish there were a way to put a mirror in front of these men, tape them, just show them how pathetic they look and sound when they act like this. Harassers, ask yourselves: What do you truly expect to gain from this?

As for the high you felt from leaving that rally, don't lose it. Keep positive that one day street harassment will come to an end.

On a Cold Winter's Night

It was freezing cold out last night. One bus I normally take wouldn't be there for another 20 minutes; the other one 40. It takes me 20 minutes to walk home, so I opted to brave the cold as opposed to waiting for a bus that may or may not come on time. Cold as it was, the fools on the street were still up to their old tricks.

As I left the train station, some man in a parking lot would not stop beeping his horn at me. I acted like he didn't exist, though he wouldn't stop.

Walking down the main street, some guy crossed the street (yep!) and tried to talk to me.

"Hello, schweetheart," he said. Yuck. I acted like he didn't exist. Then:

"Can I roll wit' you?" Ugh! Now was time to use O's advice to me in a previous post.

"No, you may not. Have a good night," I said sharply, still walking.

"Can I get your numba?" In one ear, out the other.

Still walking, I replied to him one last time:

"I said 'No, you may not.' If you don't stop bothering me I'll call the police."

He says "huh?" and some other crap, but at least he stopped trying to follow me and talk to me.

I got closer to the spot where to 'Loitering Losers' normally hang out.

There's no way in hell they'll be sitting out here in the cold, I thought to myself. They're not that stupid. Yes, they are that stupid. Three of them were out there hanging out and acting like idiots. I got nervous, but acted like they too didn't exist. I walked with a purpose alright: To get out of this cold-ass weather and inside, into the shower to get that martial arts class sweat off me, and to have a hot dinner and get away from these fools!

The LL's got quiet for a moment, but I'd rather them be quiet than acting loud and pestering me.

I made it home in one piece, thankful that the cold didn't kill me, and I survived another night of street harassment, handling it pretty well might I add.

Where's Chris Hansen When You Need Him?

Just my luck. The other day the 30-Line buses were running as usual (i.e., never on time, clumped together, falling apart, raggedy, etc.) and there was some nasty old fool on it --- and he was talking to teenagers. Nasty.As.Hell. He had to have been in his 50s.

I was sitting in front of his row at first. This one girl had the displeasure of sitting next to him. (The bus was crowded and there was nowhere else to move.)

Man: "What school you go to?"
Girl: (She names school --- NEVER, NEVER, NEVER give out personal information to strangers, especially creepy ones!)
Man: "What grade you in?"
Girl: "Senior."
Man: "Really. You look young. . .you look like a sophomore."

I glanced back at them. I was going to make sure nothing went on. This was a funky situation.

He seemed to be leaving her alone, but then I hear the girl yelling:

Man: "What you say, girl?"
Girl: "I said 'STOP LOOKIN' AT ME!!!!!!'!"
Man: "I ain't tryin' to do nothin' to you."

I jumped in.

"Leave that girl alone!" I yelled. "No one wants your old ass talking to them! You should know better talking to a girl a fraction of your age!"
"I wasn't talkin' to you," he replied.
"I don't care!" I yelled. "When creepy old men try to talk to girls and women who don't want to be bothered with them it makes me sick!"

The woman in front of me jumped in. "Leave that man alone," she said. "Ignore him."
I can't sit there and ignore this creep hassling a teenager.

A seat freed up and the girl got away from that loser and reunited with her friend. She then pulled out chips and started to eat them. (I know, not legal on Metro, but that's not the point.)

"Ooh girl, gimme some chips," he said.
"Leave those girls alone, you old-ass fool!" I yelled. The girls laughed.
"Ain't doin' nothin," the man mumbled. "I ain't tryin' to do nothin' and someone always gotta say somethin'. . ."

The woman in front of me chastised me again. "Seriously, I'm warning you. Leave.Him.Alone. He gets violent."

At "he gets violent" I then kept my mouth shut. As soon as that woman got off the bus, I moved in her previous seat.

I thought everything would be calm for the rest of the ride, but a group of teenage girls in soccer uniforms boarded the bus. The old coot found new targets.

"You just gettin' out a game?" he asked.
"Yes," they all answered in unison. Why these girls feel the need to respond to this loser is beyond me.

A stop or two later he finally gets off the bus. You know he's a problem passenger when the other passengers applaud his exit.

"Thank god he's off the bus," I said.
"I know," the woman next to me said.
"Targeting teenagers!" I said.
"He was on the bus since Pennsylvania Ave and acted like that the whole time," the woman replied. (We were in upper NW at the time, so that's too long to deal with idiot behavior.)

That loser should've been kicked off the bus much earlier. It sends a nervous feeling up my spine that he's sitting there trying to "holla" at teenage girls. He thought this behavior was normal! Typical pedophile. And I cannot get over the fact that these girls felt the need to talk to him. Never give out personal information, ever!

I hope he's banned from riding the bus in the future. Make his ass walk from Pennsylvania Ave. to upper NW.